Mom vs. Guilt

Today started off like any other day and then WHAM!  I found myself in a boxing match and my opponent was “guilt.”  I don’t like guilt because he always defeats me.  Mom 0  Guilt 15,042

Today started out like most normal mornings.  I got out of bed at 5:00 AM to get DD2 and DS2 up for school.  I was making waffles for breakfast because DS2 had a long day of school-wide testing today.  I know he loves waffles and I wanted him to get off on the right foot.  Well….

DS2 has never dealt with change very well.  He is ADD/w anxiety and struggles with change of any kind.  I have been telling him that today would be the day he would have to start taking the bus to Grandma’s in the afternoon.  I have been picking him up this entire school year since we don’t live in the area for that particular school.  He has never been a fan of the bus but he hasn’t seemed to squawk about it too much.  After breakfast I reminded him to get on the bus and gave him a note for his teacher so she would help remind him in case he forgot.  That is when the morning turned interesting.  He got upset and kept telling me how much he hated the bus and kept asking, “Why are you doing this to me?”  This continued all the way to school.  When he got out of the car he put on his backpack and just walked into the building with his head down.  (He always waves and says goodbye normally.)  The guilt just smashed me right in the face.  I know this is a very reasonable request.  I know I am not abusing this child by making him ride the bus.  Why does it bother me so much?  Why do I feel so bad?

After coming home and thinking about it I realized that guilt is such a normal parenting emotion.  Guilt can be the result of many things.  When we don’t feel like we had enough time with a child, raise our voice or tell our children “No.”  That is just the tip of the iceberg.  Kid’s know how to push our guilt triggers.  You have to be strong when you are a parent and not let them see you crumble.  My brain knows that I am doing the right thing for the kids but sometimes my heart doesn’t.  When they are sad or upset you just want to take it away and make everything good.  Unfortunately I know the world doesn’t work this way and kids have to learn to do things they don’t want to do.  I know what I am doing is in their best interest even if they don’t.  Right?  😉

Today really got me thinking.  A normal parent is able to stop there and not think much more about guilt, but for me it is a whole different ballgame.  If something like what happened this morning with DS2 can cause me this much guilt, how will I feel if I have HD and pass this gene on to my kids?  Now guilt seems to take on a whole new meaning.  What went from a simple everyday parenting guilt trip has given me a mountain instead of a hill to conquer.  I have thought this way for years whenever I feel the slightest guilty over something so small.  Guilt could be a terrible issue in my future.

Kim

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